The Major

Intellectual Stimulation and Psychological Trauma

I have found myself disinterested in TV, movies, and YouTube recently. I find that they haven’t been tickling my brain. I’ll often start some movie or TV show, and go to bed after 30 minutes, never to come back to it. Even the new Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones shows I only made halfway through each, and those are my wheelhouse.

Historically I have found political and futurist lectures or interviews to be the most compelling. But whereas I essentially “blame” myself for my disinterest in TV and movies, in this case I think I’m going to blame the lack of content. My main political draws in the past were Noam Chomsky, Glenn Greenwald, and others like them. Chomsky is obviously quite advanced in age so his commentary isn’t as insightful anymore. And Greenwald fell off the deep end quite a long time ago.

The futurist content has long been disappointing to me. I find that it is often quite shallow. If not that, it’s too specific on one small topic or too far in the future. I yearn for people speculating and debating in depth on 5-to-30-year time frames. I’ve looked quite a bit and haven’t found much.

I long ago lost interest in video games through no intentional act of my own.

I need to find something to scratch my intellectual itch. Maybe it’s spiritual exploration? Maybe it’s writing. Maybe it’s more in-depth reading. One problem with this last one is my time is quite limited. My time is really limited mostly to about 30-to-60-minute chunks after the kids are in bed. I’ve recently been running quite a lot more while trying to keep a baseline up on my powerlifting, so I have to go to bed early to get up for running, leaving little time to stay up at night. On a side note, I am hopeful that this, to me, “extreme” level of exercise has been very helpful in preventing my frequent headaches. I am hopeful, but the truth will be borne out by more time.

I could certainly do some in-depth reading during these 30-to 60-minute chunks. I am afraid that after a long day of exercise, work, family, and chores, it may feel like work instead of the relaxation that I may tell myself that I need. However in writing this all out I think I have convinced myself to give it a shot for a few nights and see how it makes me feel.

Topics of reading could be on AI, geopolitics, economics, or other things.

Now, on to the next topic on my mind tonight. I have thought this for several years now, but I really do wonder if the psychological damage done to me mostly by my son will turn out to be permanent in some way. I suppose I am still a stable and dependable person, and I have found my ways to cope with the daily trauma I experience. But I can’t help but wonder if many years down the line I will be suffering effects from this period in my life. I guess that’s what therapy is for, though.

Yearning for a Life

I yearn for a life of my own. My current weekdays are filled with taking care of the family and working. I get maybe an hour to myself at night.

I do go out with my friends once or twice per month for games, and I cherish that time. I feel some guilt about it though, because when I go out, my son is literally screaming, crying, hitting himself, and destroying things for most of the time (a few hours) that I am out.

Recently, my wife told me to not feel guilty about going out for game nights, or for my yearly work trip to Las Vegas. Despite all the chaos at home when I am gone, it gives them an opportunity to grow emotionally together. It does seem like a very painful way to grow emotionally, I’ll have to say. But her telling me that has eliminated most of my guilt about going out.

I crave more hobbies, though. I’d love to join an adult basketball league. Or start a progressive futurist meetup. Or learn artificial intelligence and math. Or exercise more. It’s possible that I’ll one day be able to pursue some of these things. But for now I’m limited. Although I feel some freedom from my wife’s reassurances recently, I still couldn’t be care-free with how I might spend my time, because it comes at a high cost to the family.

When my kids, and especially my son, are older, then I will be able to pursue my own interests more. The big question is: will that age be 10? 12? 21? I really don’t know.

I’m mostly at peace with this, even though I do crave personal freedom. I know I’m at peace with it, because I want more kids. If it was such a terrible situation, I would just say, “I’m DONE!”

But I guess I live to be a father. I love being able to bring my son some comfort when he is in such pain. Even though I bristle at the loss of freedom in the moment. I love being able to spend time with my daughter giving her reading and math lessons at age four. I can’t imagine many things more rewarding than that.

But I can still dream of a perfect life. I find value in dreaming. You can even dream of being single, without actually wanting it. When you dream of another version of your life in a parallel universe, you can then step back and think, now what are the things from that dream that I really love? And pull some of those things into your real life.

I recently dreamed of what it might be like to be retired. I dreamed of spending three hours per day exercising, another three hours learning, and a bunch of time cooking and napping.

Now, I’m not going to have three hours per day to exercise. But from that dream I realized that if I plan each day around my hectic schedule I can usually find time for a two-mile run and a one-hour weight lifting and physical therapy session. So, I get 20% of my dream, instead of 0%. Good progress!

The Struggle is Real

I’ve got nothing to write. But I figured I should write anyway. It’s a nice change from endless “nexting” on Feedly, Reddit, and Twitter.

I’ll spend minutes at a time downvoting low-effort post after low-effort post on Reddit. Minutes at a time hitting j on Feedly.

I definitely don’t take enough time to be mindful of how I’m spending my few idle minutes here and there.

My main chunk of “me” time is the hour between when the kids go to bed and when I go to bed.

I do make sure I do things for myself, though. I’m training for the half marathon in Tahoe in October.

But, when you’re the parent of a child who uniquely needs you, making time for yourself is a real challenge. To get in my six-mile runs, I wake up around 4:50 so I can get out the door by 5:15, so I can be back by 6:30 to make breakfast for the kids, pack lunch, keep the peace, and get them sent off on the bus.

Now my wife is gone for a few days and I won’t be able to do these runs, because I don’t think my kids are quite ready to wake up and not find a parent in the house.

But, something else I did for myself: I got myself my fourth tattoo. A kick-ass unicorn on my chest! And this time it didn’t hurt nearly as much as when I had my back done. I actually have one more session to finish the unicorn. Then pictures shall be forthcoming.

Really, I don’t think I’ll be able to fully embrace my passions though until the kids are at least a few years older. And, I just have to accept that. I need to remember to enjoy these years while the kids are still young. I do enjoy spending time with them, doing family events, and taking care of them.

Until next time!

Getting Back to my Roots

I think it is super cool that I’ve had this blog for 16 years. And it’s super sad that my posting cadence has slowed down to once or twice per year for the past five+ years.

I feel like I need to get back to my roots.

To some degree I never left my roots. One aspect of myself that I have never abandoned is my love for basketball. I have watched basketball my entire life. Every once in a while, I get some sense that I should stop watching basketball because it is a waste of time. But, really, it’s a core part of who I am, isn’t it? And I have never stopped being silly, singing silly songs about the dog, and telling silly jokes. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn’t embarrass myself in that way. But you know what is embarrassing? Not being yourself.

In some other ways I have certainly gotten away from my roots. Twelve-year-old me would certainly be disappointed that I haven’t played organized basketball in over 20 years. My god, man! What were you thinking!

But there’s also plenty of other things that I don’t do that previous versions of myself would be astonished — aghast even — that I don’t do anymore. I don’t go to drum and bass shows. I don’t play video games.

Other stuff is stuff that I have never lived up to. I remember in elementary school, getting mostly As and a B or two. And after the quarter was over, saying to myself, OK, this is the quarter where I absolutely will get straight As. Perfect homework, perfect studying. And of course it wouldn’t happen. But I was still fine, obviously, at least in that respect. But there is a lingering disappointment of all the hundreds of little promises that I have made to myself and betrayed over the years.

And yet, here I am. Beautiful, caring, wise wife. Talented, loving children. I’ve always wanted a family. Twelve-year-old me would be proud. Nice house. Great job. So, I shouldn’t beat myself up. I’m doing great!

Yet, I’m not living up to what I should be. From the little things — can’t I stick to doing some chin-ups on work breaks during the day, rather than mashing the “skip break” button? — to the big(ger) things — can’t I break out of watching TV at night when the kids go to bed, and instead do some form of meditation?

But we all deserve to cut ourselves some slack. And, yet, we all owe it to ourselves to really try to live up to the person that we want to be.

Personal Growth

I am really proud of myself for becoming the strongest and most muscular of my life during this pandemic. For the few years leading up to the pandemic, I got into basic barbell strength training, then considered taking a more bodybuilding approach, and ultimately decided to focus on pure raw strength, specifically powerlifting. When the pandemic hit and I realized that it was going to be months, not weeks (little did I know it would be more than a year), I knew that I had to figure out how to continue my powerlifting at home. It was a new-ish hobby of mine, and if I just let it fall by the wayside, it would essentially mean that I was no longer doing something that was purely for myself. For my own self-worth, I needed to have that thing that I would do for myself.

The rest of the country decided to buy fitness equipment at about the same time, so it was a bit difficult to get the stuff, but with enough persistence I pieced together the equipment I needed. So this whole year I have pretty consistently been doing my lifting. I have gotten bigger, stronger, and I feel good about myself and what I have achieved. Last year, I even participated in a virtual powerlifting competition. I came in last (of three) in my age and sex category, but that’s OK.

Despite having adopted this healthy habit and achieved the improvements that came with it, I find myself wanting more. Yes, more progress on physical achievements, like a running habit and increased flexibility. But more than that, I want to grow my spirituality, emotional well-being, mindfulness, willpower, intellectual pursuits, and conscious leisure activities. I know each of these things will take a similar amount of commitment that my growth in physical strength has taken. So I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I am 37 years old. Just continuing to “think of” myself as a mindfulness-aligned, spiritual-seeking, intellectual person does not make it so. I have to actively pursue these goals and others. Aside from putting in the work, I need to make room for that. I need to slowly shed non-core responsibilities, so that I have more room (primarily time, but also mental context switching) for personal growth.

I have been “wanting” to cultivate a mindfulness practice for at least ten years now. And by “mindfulness practice,” I mean even just ten minutes of meditation per day. Of course, that would just be the start. But even that start, I have never begun for more than a few days. So how much do I “want” it? That is what I need to prove to myself by taking steps to make it possible.

I also find a certain amount of sadness in, for instance, finishing a day of work plus other responsibilities, to walk to get the mail and realize that I have hardly been outside all day on a beautiful day. It’s not that work alone prevents me from getting outside. More that a combination of other responsibilities after work as well as a lack of sufficient willpower to take advantage of little 10- or 15-minute blocks of time together prevents me from getting outside, or whatever my “conscious leisure” activity might be.

All of this is to say that I only live once, and simply floating from day to day, week to week, month to month, season to season, year to year, without putting in sufficient conscious effort in designing my life, cultivating my spirit, sculpting my body, caressing my relationships, appreciating my intellect, and fully experiencing life, will be a disappointment to say the least. We only live once, and we must grab life by the horns and ride it for all that it’s worth.

Happy New Year!

My resolution for 2021 is to get organized. There’s many things I hope to accomplish in life, and being organized isn’t one of them really. But being organized allows me to more easily accomplish my other goals, and brings peace and harmony to my life. Specifically, and most importantly, I am mostly referring to my house. I want my house to be mostly picked up and tidy the whole year.

I’m going to make a video tour of my house today, and at the beginning of every month, to mark the progress.

Anxiety

Wow. I haven’t felt this much anxiety for quite some time. Two people close to me are exhibiting mild symptoms that could be COVID-19. One of them is older, so that’s more dangerous. The other is much closer to me, so that’s much more worrying.

My kids’ school was just cancelled for a month straight. A month. I’ve never heard of anything like that in my life. It could be that two months from now we’ll mostly be back to normal. But more likely is we’ll be four months from now and two million Americans will have died from this shit and I’ll know several of them. There’s almost certainly going to be a recession as a result if not a depression. My feeling right now is to not go anywhere. Don’t go out to eat, don’t go to the gym. Maybe other people aren’t there yet with this same feeling but they will be within a few days probably. Lots of people aren’t going to be able to pay their bills, they’re not going to be able to be paid.

I can’t shake the feeling that this is going to be a life altering moment. Nothing will be as it was supposed to be after this. I can’t shake the feeling that this is just becoming a pattern of one fucked up thing after another. For years now here we’ve been dealing with nearby wildfire, our town covered in smoke for days at a time, whole towns in the region wiped off the map. Just a few months ago our power went out for days at a time. Living by candle light, working for a technology company by battery backup and Internet by cell phone hot spot. Whole refrigerators of food thrown away.

Now this COVID-19. And what’s after this? Probably the depression or recession that I mentioned. After that? I can foresee civil unrest, food shortages, more wildfire. I want to think that I am just worrying unnecessarily but I really don’t think I am.

One thing I need to take away from this assuming I get to the other side of this crisis as an unbroken man is to live up to the full potential of my intellect. I am disappointed in myself that it wasn’t until just about two days ago that I really understood the full gravity of this situation. I didn’t understand the severity of this disease as far as its fatality rate, the rapidity of its spreading, the effects of it on the economy, and its effect on everyday life. I could, if I chose, put a large amount of blame for this on the inadequacy of messaging on the subject. I saw a dearth of messaging answering the question of “why is this a big deal?” But the real blame should be on myself for not proactively researching this issue to really understand it. I won’t be so unprepared in the future. Yesterday I felt lucky that there was no shortage of rice and beans at the co-op. They had been stacking them by the front door for a week. And I didn’t wonder to think what would cause them to put such a display by the front door. It could have just as easily been empty by the time I looked, and my unpreparedness would have been the cause of that failure for my family.

The second takeaway from this is that life is short. I’m not going to waste my time on inconsequential shit. I’m going to accomplish important things in life, like making a real difference on issues of justice, and being an effective leader in these areas. I’m going to make real progress in becoming the man I want to be and treating myself and my family right. Because life is too short to do otherwise.

Thought Themes

I have noticed that over the past few years, perhaps since we moved to Nevada City, that I have had certain themes in my thought. I think that maybe having a stable place that we are living, in contrast to our vagabond lifestyle in 2012, allows me to be more introspective.

One of my favorite times of day is often laying in bed before I go to sleep. I am usually a belly sleeper, and I find that if I lay on my back at bed time that I do a lot more thinking for some reason. During these times I tend to think of whatever theme has been dominating my thoughts for the past few months.

My themes tend to last for months at a time.

For a while, after reading Kurzweil’s The Singularity Is Near, my thoughts have been on the radical artificial intelligence future. In my view (to steal a Bernie-ism), Kurzweil is far too optimistic. It may be that his Utopian future does come to pass. However, I am cautious about putting so much optimism in our AI overlords. We have very real problems to worry about before artificial super intelligence arrives to save us all. Relying so much on AI to save us seems to be a gamble. What if we screw ourselves over with climate change before AI has reached its full potential? This concern is completely separate from the existential threats that Nick Bostrom raises in his book, Superintelligence: Paths, Dangers, Strategies. Bostrom’s example of a paperclip optimizing AI turning the entire Earth, all of its life, and beyond, into a massive amount of paperclips reads like something out of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, but in my mind it is an entirely plausible example.

Mostly as I lay in bed at night thinking about these things, I am thinking in the context of imagining what my own life will be like in certain scenarios. In the case of an intelligence explosion, it is hard to imagine what my life might be like in 50 years. In that time, we might have uploaded our brains onto a digital medium. In Kurzweil’s examples, the entire universe could be one big computer. How could I possibly conceive of what life might be like in this situation? Rather, I think more in the shorter term. I think about driverless cars and how that would affect daily life. But more importantly I think about how it would affect my profession of farmer. AI will probably take over the thousands-of-acres commodity farms first. The wheat and soybean farms will be largely automated. Eventually, however, AI will come for the small vegetable farms as well. What will it do to my sense of self when machines exist to the degree that I show up one day and find that all there is for me to do is sit in a lawn chair and drink a beer? An AI-powered machine will be planting, weeding, watering, harvesting, washing, packing, and delivering my produce all more efficiently than I could ever dream of doing myself. That first day of sitting in a lawn chair, drinking a beer, and watching the machines do all the work on the farm might indeed be glorious. But I doubt the 50th day will be glorious.

I do believe that humans have a need to feel needed in this world. If I feel that there is no work that I could do that is truly useful, that no one in my town is expecting anything of me, that no one will notice if I don’t show up for work, I can say personally that that will be a huge blow to my sense of self-worth. I imagine the same will be true for many other people, and I think that AI is coming for other people’s jobs a lot sooner than mine. What will happen to the tens of millions of truck drivers, accountants, lawyers, journalists, and others, who will be put out of work by AI? I think we could be facing a huge mental health crisis in this country.

I do think that will adequate planning we can mitigate the problems that might arise as AI gets more and more powerful. But given the current state of politics in this country, I don’t have high hopes that we will tackle this problem proactively.

Next time on my blog, we can talk about Buddhism!