Getting Back to my Roots

I think it is super cool that I’ve had this blog for 16 years. And it’s super sad that my posting cadence has slowed down to once or twice per year for the past five+ years.

I feel like I need to get back to my roots.

To some degree I never left my roots. One aspect of myself that I have never abandoned is my love for basketball. I have watched basketball my entire life. Every once in a while, I get some sense that I should stop watching basketball because it is a waste of time. But, really, it’s a core part of who I am, isn’t it? And I have never stopped being silly, singing silly songs about the dog, and telling silly jokes. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn’t embarrass myself in that way. But you know what is embarrassing? Not being yourself.

In some other ways I have certainly gotten away from my roots. Twelve-year-old me would certainly be disappointed that I haven’t played organized basketball in over 20 years. My god, man! What were you thinking!

But there’s also plenty of other things that I don’t do that previous versions of myself would be astonished — aghast even — that I don’t do anymore. I don’t go to drum and bass shows. I don’t play video games.

Other stuff is stuff that I have never lived up to. I remember in elementary school, getting mostly As and a B or two. And after the quarter was over, saying to myself, OK, this is the quarter where I absolutely will get straight As. Perfect homework, perfect studying. And of course it wouldn’t happen. But I was still fine, obviously, at least in that respect. But there is a lingering disappointment of all the hundreds of little promises that I have made to myself and betrayed over the years.

And yet, here I am. Beautiful, caring, wise wife. Talented, loving children. I’ve always wanted a family. Twelve-year-old me would be proud. Nice house. Great job. So, I shouldn’t beat myself up. I’m doing great!

Yet, I’m not living up to what I should be. From the little things — can’t I stick to doing some chin-ups on work breaks during the day, rather than mashing the “skip break” button? — to the big(ger) things — can’t I break out of watching TV at night when the kids go to bed, and instead do some form of meditation?

But we all deserve to cut ourselves some slack. And, yet, we all owe it to ourselves to really try to live up to the person that we want to be.